.linkies.
I just can’t kid myself anymore. I can’t continue to think that I mean anything at all to you. But I do anyway. Everybody must think I’m crazy, But it isn’t like their white lies help me in the long run. The line dividing fantasy, memories, and reality, Is no longer distinguishable. Somebody please save me from this ocean of emotion. I’m drowning in a sea of sadness, My sense being carried away by your current, My heart floating to the surface, swelling with you inside. But I’m still at the bottom, weighed down by all the pain you’ve caused me. I’m alone, and no one can save me. Somebody… save me. Well.. this morning I had a cross country meet. It sucked ass. After I ran, I puked again. Then I sat on the bus alone and blasted my iPod and bought huge soda. Then I went home and got ready. Then I went to Sean's party. We listened to songs like Barbie Girl. haha. Then we tried to blow up these bracelet balloons. "It gets bigger when you squeeze it." oh yes. Then we watched Wrong Turn. Hilarious stuff right there. I had to leave in the middle. Then I went to Samm's Cross Country party. We played cards, and then we all hung out in the basement and watched music videos and stuff. The guys kept turning on porn.. it was delightful. Then we got them to turn on "Sex Talk with Sue Johanson." It was this 80-yr-old woman giving sex advice to her callers. "I like that.. I like that." We caught Jake with his hands down his pants. haha. She explained where you can and cannot get warts.. apparently warts like the rectal area. We flipped back and forth between that and SNL for a while. Then we went home. The end. Bye. Hi. It's like 2 AM and I have an xc meet at 10 in the morning but I can't sleep because I'm having an emotional breakdown. No one's online this late that I feel close enough to vent about my problems to, so I'm going to write about them here and at the end decide if it's worth publishing. Okay... problem numbero uno... well first of all.. school sucks ass. I have so much fucking work and between that and cross country and juggling my social life in there too I'm really really pressed for time. Not only that but I find myself constantly torn between 2 crowds of people. I love all my friends but I always have to choose and I'm being torn apart. Second of all.... I hate my fucking family. I don't think I mentioned it to anybody, but the reason this weekend is gonna totally suck... is because it's this thing known as a yartzite(sp?...idk its hebrew) which is the 1-year anniversary of a person's death when they uncover the tombstone. And my family has come to the conclusion that the death of my grandpa has deeply saddened everybody but me... which means they are all taking it out on me. So this weekend, between xc, school, and actually going to the yartzite and thinking about my grandpa, which btw, affected me a great deal... i also have to put up with constant nagging and hearing about what an awful human being I am. Not only that but the only night I can go out is tomorrow, and I'm lucky I am.. unfortunately I was invited to 2 parties.. once again being torn between 2 crowds of people. wow, life sucks. And on top of all that... is the heartache. ouch. I go and I read all these old convos and I remember all these instances from last year and I get stuck in the past and trick my mind into thinking I'm still *his* friend. And I'm not. And wow it really sucks... I only see him at lunch and he's with some friend of his i don't know... and we didn't speak all summer and I hate how people act like it should be totally normal for me to just walk up and say "hey" cause it isn't. And then they'll be like "omg see he totally likes you" which is also no help... nobody knows how to help.. not even I do. Everyone who keeps telling me it's all okay and there's still a chance can stop lying to me. I have to learn not to kid myself. I have to learn to accept that we aren't friends anymore... that we don't even SPEAK anymore... the most is a smile when passing in the hallway and a small conversation here or there. Nothing's ever going to happen and nobody is helping me get used to the idea. No one can help me but me... and I'm not doing a great job. I just get lost between memories, fantasy, and reality and I can't get over him. I just can't. In a month it'll be a year. And to make it worse I just love how all my friends will just tell me all these great stories about him.... it's great to hear that he talks to like all my friends and they've all got classes with him and I DON'T. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy not? Why can't my life ever fucking work out the way I want it I mean WHY does life really have to be such a bitch? I'm just in so much pain and I can't take it anymore and I hate my family and I miss my grandparents and I hate people. I feel so fucking alone. It's like I never get what I want in life and nobody really understands it because I guess I cover it up pretty well. All I know is that I don't know how much longer I can take it. Heyy. Today was awesome. hmm.. well actually the morning pretty much sucked. But whatever. I was annoyed 'cause I had to give up my free 6th period this week for a freaking Language Lab. I wanted to go to lunch with my friends who have off that period. 7th Period me and Lauren ate in the Pizza Place instead of Chinese... for once. The pizza sucked though, I had this huge bubble smack dab in the middle of my slice. lol. Then we went to Baskin Robins for a milkshake. Then we went to J&B and Lauren bought candy. Anyways, then we went back to school and we were really early, so we went up to the library. And then I randomly went up to Matt and was like "MATT STRACQ" and he goes "wassup" and then I told him all about MiniMatt. lmao. I <3 MiniMatt! Yeah so after that I went to English... which went reallyyy damn slow today 'cause I was all excited and wowza and I had to sit there. Then I went to Math and I just couldn't take sitting there for so long so I went to the bathroom where I saw Tara and we sat on the window sill and talked for a while. lol. Then after school I went to Yorker Club where I volunteered to bring in cookies for the bake sale. Then I went to the art club where we put chicken wire and paper-macheed the bishop. I am so fricken proud of that thing. We didn't paint pumpkins after all.. but that gives me time to buy my own! Anyway... I'm really ANNOYED 'cause Emily's having people over on Friday and I can't freaking go. I'm so pissed.. other than Saturday Night, this weekend is totally gonna suck ass. Don't ask. My 3-day weekend is completely and utterly destroyed. But whatever, I'm not gonna let it ruin TODAY 'cause TODAY was just plain uh-mazing. g2g, bye. xoxo~Loretta Every word I write Hey people. Well I've decided instead of writing out those big long things, I'll start out each entry with a poem, and then a blinkie, and then a brief highlight of the day or whatever. lol. Today, nothing happened. lol. I went to school... during lunch I was really hyper. I kept singing "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date. No time to say Hello.. GOODBYE! I'm late I'm late I'm late!" Then after school I went to Cross Country. I ran some pondos and then sat on the track with Kara and Katherine and talked to them. I poured water down Alana's shirt since she wouldn't stop interrupting me. lol. I got the longest message of all time from Kelly. She seriously just.. talked.. for like a half hour straight. Then I guess my answering machine cut her off, cause it goes *kelly* "Okay so I'm looking at this car.." .beeeep. *lady* "end of message."Then we waited for Fran and went home. Now I have to shower, eat, call Sophia back, and do my hair. I have very little homework. So I'll just do it in between. lol. Byee! xoxo ~Loretta~ It's been so long, yo yo yo.. today was very coolness. i straightened my hair for the first time in a while and i got like 10 compliments =D wee. hmm.. i'll go through the day: Psychology: we learned about stuff. i feel so bad for this poor guy mr. smestad ALWAYS picks on. he asked him today "okay, so let's say a beauuutiful woman comes up to you, and starts to slowly remove her clothing... she's just a regular woman, assume she isn't a stripper or anything. what would be going through your mind?" and the guy goes... "uhhhmm.." lmao. good stuff haha.. go me. well yeah.. today was awesome.. here goes: Psychology: i was so fucking bored.. idk what the hell we did. Chorus: we.. sang. aaand, talked about sectionals. i <3 missing classes. French: i almost died of boredom.. some more. S.S.: ..couldn't.... concentrate..... Biology: wow. the morning was SO boring! lol. oh and he got a new turtle and it was SO cuuute! Gym: ran the mile... 7:28... wowza. that's bad. i wanted to break 7 minutes again. last spring i got 6:52, so I got slower. oh well. i'll try again on wednesday probably. Lunch: me and Lauren went and made our Lang. Lab apts. sry if i abbreviate, i'm getting lazy here. i was mad cuz they wudnt let me make 1 after school, i have to miss my off-period on thursday. fuggerrr... then we went to get pizza place and ate in the chinese place, as usual. then.. siiiigh. i'm not gonna go into it, but that was what really made today so amazing. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 English: lmao, rly funny. so we talked about the bald eagle being our nation's symbol. and the horny turkey almost bein it... and the skinny snake... which makes no sense since we're fat-country. then we wondered.. why not the platypus? so katherine drew a picture of a platypus's face. lmfaoooo... she's a really great artist. omfg that was hilarious. lmfaooo. then we filled out some symbolism shizza and jarid made an ass outta himself again. Math: wow that teacher is so annoying. she basically screamed at us the entire period about doing our homework... which we did. some people confused the pages, but she gave them a 0 even though they did all that work. what a frickin bitch. After School: went to biology. spent an hour and 15 MINUTES.. not 2 hours.. mr. kaefer.. doing the lab i missed last friday b/c i was in delaware. it was easy. then i decided to catch art club for a little while, since i felt bad for missing so much. we taped the bishop, it's all ready for chicken wire. then i went o buy ice cream at the vending machine.. and i asked for an oreo bar and got a freaking ice pop. i was so pissed. i hate those things. so i asked the custodian and he said there weren't any keys for it. what kind of school has a vending machine with no keys!?!? what r they gonna do when it accumulates its full capacity of money?? jeez! ..yeah so then we walked natalya to the gate since she was totally flipping out. lmao. then since no one wud buy my ice pop, i threw it out and me and lauren walked to baskin robins. i got a chocolate milkshake. we talked about shizzaaa.. and then we parted and i walked home. now i've really gotta do my homework, i'm hoping to be done with everything early enough to straighten my hair tonite. i have an xc meet tomorrow, at bethpage probably. yay! maybe i'll hold my stomach this time. lol. 11 months ago. <3 my love for you is painfully intolerable. if you just kinda switch the genders... these two songs describe how i feel right now... Heyyy! My first entry in the hottest blog of all time... woohoo! I created it all on my own. =D go me. So tonight I got home from Delaware. It was sooo much fun! But before I tell you about it (which I will do as briefly as is humanly possible), here's my new boyfriend: He's sooooo hott... hottest guy yet. Oh babyyy! Okay. So on the bus ride there I got kind of seperated so I sat alone in the front. We watched Waterboy... which I really liked. lol. Then I listened to my beloved iPod. We went to this reststop and it was the same one as last year and we all got so excited. We tried on the sunglasses again... lmao, hott stuff. And me and Katherine got Roy Rogers and it was SO baaad. lol. We had to go straight to the course for some reason.. and Coach also decided to kill everyone. First we run/walk over the course, which was 3.1 miles, and apparently just the warmup! So then we had to actually run the whole thing over again. Wowww it wasn't fun at all. Well, actually I had fun talking to everyone during the warmup/workout. lol. Then we went back and I had the last shower so I rushed a lot to get ready, but it wasn't bad. We got to Friday's and had a table of 12 for all us girlies... well not everyone but a lot of us. lol. I was so hyper... I was like cracking up for a half hour straight for no particular reason. lmfao. Good stuff. Then we came back and took pictures... I took a wonderful photo of the poker boys. haha. Then we went upstairs and like 2 or 3 of us were sitting in me, Amanda, Katherine, and Kara's room having a normal conversation, when we hear a knock. When we opened the door, Sabrina was standing outside with the entire boy's cross country team, and she says "We're here for the party." and someone was like "There isn't any party.." and I'm like "There is now!" lol. So we all huddled in our hotel room... and did stuff. Such as look at Ori's picture on the toilet. Delightful. Then later we went up to JoJo's room. They had MarioKart. Woohoo! Aaand.. we just kinda did stuff again. Omg I recorded the sexiest message ever on Amanda's cellphone voicemail. Wowww. lol. Then we had our meeting where we were told there was no JV race! Oh yes. So we split our team up into 4 teams, I was on the gray team.. woohoo! Anyways, then we hung out for a while longer. Finally we all seperated into our own rooms. And JUST as we were getting to sleep, the phone rang. This like hispanic lady named Rosita from room service was talking us, yelling that we shouldn't call her again. We assumed it was someone from our team pranking us again, and Amanda was mimicking her accent. haha. Then afterwards we got really scared it was an actual woman, even thought we SUSPECTED it was Erin, and like Sabrina and Maxine. We called their room and they said no though. We stayed up for 45 minutes because we're cool like that. Then the phone rang again and it was Sabrina like "Rosita just called us..." Ha. Yeah right. Well the next morning we found out it WAS Erin... although I must praise her, she lied all through breakfast. She's good... they all got us sooo bad. lmao. Fun stuff. But anyway, I had the most amazing fucking dream EVER!Oct 10, 2004
lalala
I hate my family really a lot. Btw in the 2nd to last entry, i said "yartzite" and i meant "unveiling." my bad. anyways.. today was the unveiling. My family stood up front but I didn't feel especially welcome there so I stood with my cousins. After the rabbi said a lot of hebrew stuff, my dad read this big long thing that made him cry while he read. Then my brother read something. It made me really upset, nobody ever asked me to write anything. I would have... I would have probably had someone else read it for me... but I would have wanted to write something. But no one ever bothered to ask me. Then we came back to the house and everyone ate lunch and talked about politics mostly. Then we played basketball and then everyone left. Now I'm bored. I'm gonna go shower. bye.
s o m e b o d y s a v e m e
Oct 9, 2004
what the fuck ever.
Oct 7, 2004
I'd Sleep Forever Just To Feel You Close To Me
you're often looking back?
And your eyes meeting mine is beyond heaven.
Just because I know for sure I crossed your mind.
But everything is probably in my imagination
until we break through this brick wall between us.
Please don't make me climb all the way over.
Meet me by the gate and together we'll get through.
If not this pain can't ever end for me.
And so if the only place I can feel your arms around me
is in my dreams...
I guess I'll have to sleep forever.
Oct 6, 2004
I *stumble* and I *stall* ...and you watch me as I * f a L L *
Every step I take
Every time I burn
And each morning I wake.
and all because of you.
Every tear I shed
Every smile I fake
Every late night up
And each day my heart must ache.
It's all just because of you.
Oct 5, 2004
heee once wasss a truue looove of miiiiiiiiiiiiiine.. <3
since I've gotten through a day
without you on my mind.
I wish so badly that this
ice wall would melt.
Or that one of us would say
something, anything..
that would make it shatter.
Do you feel anything for me
during those momentary
eye-locks and smiles?
When I brush past you,
do you know who I am?
Do I ever cross your mind?
Chorale: Mr. Sardo told us the cutest story ever about KITTENS! then we sang. I <3 the song Scarborough Fair.. it got me through my race later on.. woohoo!
French: We learned all about FRANCE. wootayy
Social Studies: we had to read this thing that I thought we were supposed to read for h/w, so I just sat there awhile. then we learned about Ming China and shizzle... but I like actually paid attention this time. so yay!
Biology: winner of Most Boring Class Award. Luckily I've got my table to entertain me.. haha. Well in the beginning this guy Thomas talked to me for a while, and asked me about Delawareee. Then I played tic-tac-toe with Sophia! Nobody ever won.. until I told her a trick I knew. But I was really tricking her into losing.. lmao. hmm.. then we ate and Sophia broke her bag. lol. awwezie.
Bio Lab: We wrote all over this paper I had. That's it.. lol. Oh and Mr. Kaefer talked.
Lunch: best period of the fricken day. For reasons other than you may think. So anyway.. I hit my head into a stopsign! lol. go me. So anyway, me and Lauren talked a while, and Matt kept on leaving and walking back and forth on the sidewalk. So we kept leaving.. and walking from store to store. haha. I wonder if he realized we were passing him over and over... so yeah. Then we got hot chocolate!! I <3 that stuff. Then we walked back and got BUUURNED.
English: took a short-answer test on Catcher And The Rye. It was pretty easy.. I didn't finish though cuz at the last minute I realized we needed TWO secondary characters, so I had to make my 3rd paragraph like a page long. So I got through like 1 sentence of the 4th one. grr..
Math: booooooooringgg..
After School: cross country meet. our bus was late again. on the way there i listened to music. then when i got there i warmed up... in jeans with my cellphone clipped on and all.. wootayy. then i stretched... in my jeans. go stupid ppl! haha. so yeah then me and katherine were rolling on the grass.. lol. PLATYPIIII. <33 I love Katherine. lmao. Yeah so then we rannn. I improved my time by like 3 minutes.. woot woot. I was so happpyyy!! I felt really good too, I probably even could have done better, but my legs were cold, which makes them tighten up. Oh well.. my calves were tight so I didn't sprint out the last straight. My team didn't do as well as we have been.. but that's okay. We're SOOOOOOOOOOOOo much better than last year, it makes me so proud =D wee! Anyways, so then we cheered for the varsity girlies. They were running in the wrong lane so we had to yell at them to move over.. haha. Then I went with Amanda to meet her friend Abby.. who got 1st place in the varsity race.. wowie. Then on the bus ride home, Kara and I acted EXTREMELY hyper together... lmfao. Then we waited a while, and I sat between Katherine's legs. and we played handgames!!! Miss mary mack.. Miss Lucy.. Rockin' Robin <333.. what fun. Then Kara's dad drove us home, and we were locked out cuz my brother said the garage door wasn't open. So we waited in Fran's car, and I was like "Watch David, i bet the garage door WAS open and you just didn't do it right." and he yelled at me and I was like "I'm KIDDING!" Then when my mom got home.. we discovered I was right. Also, for weeks now I've been annoyed cuz you can't change the stations on the Radio in Fran's car.. and I FIXED it while we were in the car. I just rock. wowwww. Yeah, so now I got stuffles to do.. buh byee. xoxo
Oct 4, 2004
11 fucking months...
What Happy Bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla"
Oct 3, 2004
Hear my c r y. . . . .
You're So Last Summer
--Taking Back Sunday
She said, Don't...don't let it go to your head.
Boys like you are a dime a dozen,
Boys like you are a dime a dozen.
She said...You're a touch over-rated.
You're a lush, and I hate it.
But these grass stains on my knees,
They won't mean a thing
[Chorus]
And all I need to know is that I'm something you'll be missin'
Well, maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that..
I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to, I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to, I'll do what I got to
The truth...is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt
[Chorus]
Cuz I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be the last chance you'll get to drop my name
Cuz I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be the last time you'll get to drop my name
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
Maybe I should hate you for this
Maybe I should hate you for this
Baby Blue
--The Early November
It's a faster growing green
That flows through these leaves
I have, I try
I guess we'll be alright
Way to try
I got a line for you from me, better nice
A beautiful baby blue sky that's looking up at you
Now watch it fade away
But it's okay to come around
When nights like this are never ending
I tried so hard to make this perfect
You and I somehow
We can't see eye to eye together
We always knew that you worked better
I know you want it all and you got me
Sorry I never was everything you ever dreamed
But kept at bay for just in case that day
But it's okay to come around
When nights like this are never ending
I tried so hard to make this perfect
You and I somehow
We can't see eye to eye together
We always knew that you worked better
I don't want you to love me anymore
With my bags packed and ready to go
Nothing's ever hurt so much for me than to let you go
With my bags packed and ready to go
Nothing's ever hurt so much for me than to let you go
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride.... I've got to keep on movin'!!
haha. Yeah so in the morning everyone got up and was all perky and I was like, dead. lol. But finally I woke up enough to eat... way too much breakfast. Oyyy. BIG mistake. Then at 10:30 we had our little Calhoun meet. I was SO nauscious. Wowww.. ouch. I finally made it to the finish line, and came running in, fell to the ground, and hurled. It was fabulous. Especially with people shouting OMG I FEEL SO BAD in the background. Although I think Mr. Hendler really enjoyed it. He's insane. lol. Then I washed up and went back to the bus. And later discovered that MY TEAM WON! WOOHOO GO GRAY! WE GET A PIZZA PARTAYYY! Yeah. Sooo we all just kinda chilled around, and made bracelets. And I took a walk with Amanda, and these guys were standing nearby and one of them turns around and goes "Hi, how ya doin?" and I'm like "Good." It was a really deep conversation. Then we made friends with these girls. And we were asking people if we had Long Island accents. And they told us no! YAY! And we were bragging too. Like out of the blue I just go "OMG we go to school with Lindsay Lohan. Yeah, I saw her once." lmao. Then on the way back this guy comes up to us and goes "Ummm do you guys know Lindsay Lohan?" and we're like "Everyone hates her. Her boobs are fake." lmao. Yeah so then FINALLY we started on our way home. At first it was a boring ride. Erica and Janna taught me how to play Ratskrew, it was such a fun game. lol. Then we stopped for Lunch/dinner. We all wore Burger King crowns! Woohoo! lol. Except Jake, he had this like rubber, pink, spike......thing. I can't even begin to explain it. WOW. lmao. Then we watched Big Daddy... I <3 that movie. I <3 Adam Sandler.. he just rules. It's a well-known fact. So yeah, after that I talked to Sabrina, Kara, and Katherine for a while. And then the boys all decided we should sing. The best part was during Ocean Avenue, because it was like the only song that the WHOLE bus sang. See? Yellowcard is uh-mazing, they unite people. Yeeeah. So they sang like... quite a variety of songs, I joined in on the ones I knew. lol. Then we borrowed Travis' iPod, and Sabrina was blaming Kara for apparently breaking his headphone. lol. So I took it and they had the covery thing on inside out... aren't they swift? lmao. I wanted to listen but they didn't wanna listen to the same song as me so I never got to. =( oh wellz. Then my mom picked me up and Delaware ended. I REALLY hope we're allowed to go back next year!! It's the best. =P Peach out cub scouts! ~Loretta~
