.linkies.
Well today, all was well. =D. Last night I woke up and went on the computer and I was really depressed about you-know-who and I needed someone to talk to, so I IMed myself. Go me. Anyway, after a while I was just like "I know.. delete them." "delete what?" "The convos." "The convos!?!?" "Delete the convos." Sooo I deleted all the saved convos I had with ..you-know-who.. and emptied the recycle bin. Yes. They are gone forever, never again to be read by my eyes. I felt so.. replenished... exhilarated.. lol I dunno what makes sense. VINDICATED. maybe. I went to sleep really easily after that. Then today, I was so happy for the first time like, ever. It was like nothing could go wrong or bring me down. I just had a really good day. hmmm.. I was sick.. really sick. But whatever. I was happy too. In Social Studies, we had a sub, so me and Katherine and Peter worked on this packety thing. It was really fun... lol. Jarid was so freaking annoying though, we were all really mean to him. lol. He even said he was just plain annoying. Wow. Then in Biology, Sophia and Lindley were kicking each other... and Lindley made the funniest face like everrr. lol. In lunch.. there was this old lady... enough said. Yes. Any story that begins with "so there was this old lady" you just have to assume is hilarious. I almost peed in my pants. lmfao. Then later on in Math, the window was wide open and it like sucked the shade up... omg it was so frikken funny. lmfao. great day, great day. Then after school, I walked to Natalya's house with her and Tara. We painted pumpkins in art club!!! I'm using scenery from Finding Nemo. wootayy. After that, me, Sean, Tara, and some other guy walked to 7-11 together. Mucho funness. So now.. I have homework and showering to do. But I first wanted to tell you about my new found content-ness. Well, first of all, my mood is no longer going to go by events or lack there of concerning Matt. Second, I'm going to go whereever the hell I want for lunch.... even though I like the current arrangement, if one day I wanna go to the deli, I'm going to the freaking deli. Third of all, well as I said earlier, I deleted the convos... I'm not saying I'm over him. Far from it. But it's progress... I think the next step will be burning the photos, for now, I'll just stop taking the photos to every cross country meet and sleepover/overnight trip I go to. Yeah, that's right, fuck you Matt. OKAY.. byee. Current Mood: content Hey thereee.. hmm well today I woke up at I just can’t kid myself anymore. I can’t continue to think that I mean anything at all to you. But I do anyway. Everybody must think I’m crazy, But it isn’t like their white lies help me in the long run. The line dividing fantasy, memories, and reality, Is no longer distinguishable. Somebody please save me from this ocean of emotion. I’m drowning in a sea of sadness, My sense being carried away by your current, My heart floating to the surface, swelling with you inside. But I’m still at the bottom, weighed down by all the pain you’ve caused me. I’m alone, and no one can save me. Somebody… save me. Well.. this morning I had a cross country meet. It sucked ass. After I ran, I puked again. Then I sat on the bus alone and blasted my iPod and bought huge soda. Then I went home and got ready. Then I went to Sean's party. We listened to songs like Barbie Girl. haha. Then we tried to blow up these bracelet balloons. "It gets bigger when you squeeze it." oh yes. Then we watched Wrong Turn. Hilarious stuff right there. I had to leave in the middle. Then I went to Samm's Cross Country party. We played cards, and then we all hung out in the basement and watched music videos and stuff. The guys kept turning on porn.. it was delightful. Then we got them to turn on "Sex Talk with Sue Johanson." It was this 80-yr-old woman giving sex advice to her callers. "I like that.. I like that." We caught Jake with his hands down his pants. haha. She explained where you can and cannot get warts.. apparently warts like the rectal area. We flipped back and forth between that and SNL for a while. Then we went home. The end. Bye. Hi. It's like 2 AM and I have an xc meet at 10 in the morning but I can't sleep because I'm having an emotional breakdown. No one's online this late that I feel close enough to vent about my problems to, so I'm going to write about them here and at the end decide if it's worth publishing. Okay... problem numbero uno... well first of all.. school sucks ass. I have so much fucking work and between that and cross country and juggling my social life in there too I'm really really pressed for time. Not only that but I find myself constantly torn between 2 crowds of people. I love all my friends but I always have to choose and I'm being torn apart. Second of all.... I hate my fucking family. I don't think I mentioned it to anybody, but the reason this weekend is gonna totally suck... is because it's this thing known as a yartzite(sp?...idk its hebrew) which is the 1-year anniversary of a person's death when they uncover the tombstone. And my family has come to the conclusion that the death of my grandpa has deeply saddened everybody but me... which means they are all taking it out on me. So this weekend, between xc, school, and actually going to the yartzite and thinking about my grandpa, which btw, affected me a great deal... i also have to put up with constant nagging and hearing about what an awful human being I am. Not only that but the only night I can go out is tomorrow, and I'm lucky I am.. unfortunately I was invited to 2 parties.. once again being torn between 2 crowds of people. wow, life sucks. And on top of all that... is the heartache. ouch. I go and I read all these old convos and I remember all these instances from last year and I get stuck in the past and trick my mind into thinking I'm still *his* friend. And I'm not. And wow it really sucks... I only see him at lunch and he's with some friend of his i don't know... and we didn't speak all summer and I hate how people act like it should be totally normal for me to just walk up and say "hey" cause it isn't. And then they'll be like "omg see he totally likes you" which is also no help... nobody knows how to help.. not even I do. Everyone who keeps telling me it's all okay and there's still a chance can stop lying to me. I have to learn not to kid myself. I have to learn to accept that we aren't friends anymore... that we don't even SPEAK anymore... the most is a smile when passing in the hallway and a small conversation here or there. Nothing's ever going to happen and nobody is helping me get used to the idea. No one can help me but me... and I'm not doing a great job. I just get lost between memories, fantasy, and reality and I can't get over him. I just can't. In a month it'll be a year. And to make it worse I just love how all my friends will just tell me all these great stories about him.... it's great to hear that he talks to like all my friends and they've all got classes with him and I DON'T. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy not? Why can't my life ever fucking work out the way I want it I mean WHY does life really have to be such a bitch? I'm just in so much pain and I can't take it anymore and I hate my family and I miss my grandparents and I hate people. I feel so fucking alone. It's like I never get what I want in life and nobody really understands it because I guess I cover it up pretty well. All I know is that I don't know how much longer I can take it. Heyy. Today was awesome. hmm.. well actually the morning pretty much sucked. But whatever. I was annoyed 'cause I had to give up my free 6th period this week for a freaking Language Lab. I wanted to go to lunch with my friends who have off that period. 7th Period me and Lauren ate in the Pizza Place instead of Chinese... for once. The pizza sucked though, I had this huge bubble smack dab in the middle of my slice. lol. Then we went to Baskin Robins for a milkshake. Then we went to J&B and Lauren bought candy. Anyways, then we went back to school and we were really early, so we went up to the library. And then I randomly went up to Matt and was like "MATT STRACQ" and he goes "wassup" and then I told him all about MiniMatt. lmao. I <3 MiniMatt! Yeah so after that I went to English... which went reallyyy damn slow today 'cause I was all excited and wowza and I had to sit there. Then I went to Math and I just couldn't take sitting there for so long so I went to the bathroom where I saw Tara and we sat on the window sill and talked for a while. lol. Then after school I went to Yorker Club where I volunteered to bring in cookies for the bake sale. Then I went to the art club where we put chicken wire and paper-macheed the bishop. I am so fricken proud of that thing. We didn't paint pumpkins after all.. but that gives me time to buy my own! Anyway... I'm really ANNOYED 'cause Emily's having people over on Friday and I can't freaking go. I'm so pissed.. other than Saturday Night, this weekend is totally gonna suck ass. Don't ask. My 3-day weekend is completely and utterly destroyed. But whatever, I'm not gonna let it ruin TODAY 'cause TODAY was just plain uh-mazing. g2g, bye. xoxo~Loretta Every word I write Hey people. Well I've decided instead of writing out those big long things, I'll start out each entry with a poem, and then a blinkie, and then a brief highlight of the day or whatever. lol. Today, nothing happened. lol. I went to school... during lunch I was really hyper. I kept singing "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date. No time to say Hello.. GOODBYE! I'm late I'm late I'm late!" Then after school I went to Cross Country. I ran some pondos and then sat on the track with Kara and Katherine and talked to them. I poured water down Alana's shirt since she wouldn't stop interrupting me. lol. I got the longest message of all time from Kelly. She seriously just.. talked.. for like a half hour straight. Then I guess my answering machine cut her off, cause it goes *kelly* "Okay so I'm looking at this car.." .beeeep. *lady* "end of message."Then we waited for Fran and went home. Now I have to shower, eat, call Sophia back, and do my hair. I have very little homework. So I'll just do it in between. lol. Byee! xoxo ~Loretta~ It's been so long, yo yo yo.. today was very coolness. i straightened my hair for the first time in a while and i got like 10 compliments =D wee. hmm.. i'll go through the day: Psychology: we learned about stuff. i feel so bad for this poor guy mr. smestad ALWAYS picks on. he asked him today "okay, so let's say a beauuutiful woman comes up to you, and starts to slowly remove her clothing... she's just a regular woman, assume she isn't a stripper or anything. what would be going through your mind?" and the guy goes... "uhhhmm.." lmao. good stuffOct 14, 2004
Yo I'm in school
FUCK i'm rly pissed off. I wrote out this whole thing about how I'm in s.s. and Jarid is annoying and Peter is staring at the screen and Katherine is doing her math homework and how infrastructure is the coolest word ever and how my chart isn't symmetrical and now it's GONE. omg now I'm cracking up because Dr. Kak had no comment and Mrs. Lupinskie tripped over Flo's boobie trap. I was singing the cleanup song but it scares Peter. BYE
Oct 13, 2004
Don't apologize.. I hope you choke and DIE.
Okay well since I don't have any new poems, I'm just gonna go through the day like I used to.
Psychology: The movie wouldn't work, lol, so he played the one for the next unit. I slept.
Chorus: There was a firedrill so me and Tara were even colder than usual. Which is saying quite a lot. Then he was lecturing us about not doing attendance right, and Tara raised her hand and asked why the teachers were all wearing their ID cards.. leave it to Tara. Somehow that question was relevant to this long story about the space shuttle launch in like 1996. Then we sang, and it hurt my throat. =(
French: We relearned the passe compose for possibly the millionth time. Wow. I already freaking know it. I was like dying that period.
Social Studies: Mrs. Lupinskie was back.. that's all I know since I paid no attention whatsoever. I should make sure there's no homework.
Biology: uhh.. apparently this period has been completely deleted from my memory.
Gym: I got out of playing 'cause I'm sick. So I did my english homework.
Lunch: Same routine with Lauren, only today we got Dunkin Donuts instead of Pizza. I had a muffin. I think tomorrow, I'll get a cinnamon raison bagel.. mmmm. Then I got a milkshake, and she got something from J&B. We met up again and walked back... and since suddenly this teacher decided to enforce the "no going upstairs" rule, we had to go into a different hallway and sneak up the staircase really fast behind some guy. lmao.
English: We had a substitute, but instead of doing the work, everybody just chilled. Jarid was REALLY annoying. grr.
Math: The shade was fixed and the graph-maker mabob was back. Wootayy.
After School: Went to the library with Tara. We went on the computer and fucked around for a while, and then went to art club. This was the highlight of my day. We met mini-Matt!! I screamed "OMG IT'S MINI-MATT" and Tara's like "Mini-Matt!?" and someone else goes "Who's Mini-Matt?" and everyone just said mini-matt a million times and this poor guy was like uhmmm wtf. and his friend finally goes "What the hell is happening?" lmfao. Then we basically were really hyper and verbally attacked mini-Matt. Oh yeah and mini-Matt stole Natalya's pumpkin. Ewww. And I ruined my sweater. =( omg I really want the real Matt and mini-Matt to meet each other... it's like my life goal. Oooookay, byee
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Adam's Song -Blink 182
Current Outfit: PJs =D
Current Conflict: How to get to bed at a decent hour tonight, for once.. while still getting the things I want to done.
xox~Loretta~xox
Oct 12, 2004
p e a c e * a t * l a s t
Current Music: Save Yourself -Matchbook Romance
Current Outfit: what I wore to school.. red long-sleeved top, light blue jeans, pacsun bottle cap belt, pink and green hightops
Current Conflict: hmm.. how to get in One Tree Hill, Yankee Game, Hair-doage, and homework.
xox~Loretta~xox
Oct 11, 2004
wootay.. new layout =D
Oct 10, 2004
lalala
I hate my family really a lot. Btw in the 2nd to last entry, i said "yartzite" and i meant "unveiling." my bad. anyways.. today was the unveiling. My family stood up front but I didn't feel especially welcome there so I stood with my cousins. After the rabbi said a lot of hebrew stuff, my dad read this big long thing that made him cry while he read. Then my brother read something. It made me really upset, nobody ever asked me to write anything. I would have... I would have probably had someone else read it for me... but I would have wanted to write something. But no one ever bothered to ask me. Then we came back to the house and everyone ate lunch and talked about politics mostly. Then we played basketball and then everyone left. Now I'm bored. I'm gonna go shower. bye.
s o m e b o d y s a v e m e
Oct 9, 2004
what the fuck ever.
Oct 7, 2004
I'd Sleep Forever Just To Feel You Close To Me
you're often looking back?
And your eyes meeting mine is beyond heaven.
Just because I know for sure I crossed your mind.
But everything is probably in my imagination
until we break through this brick wall between us.
Please don't make me climb all the way over.
Meet me by the gate and together we'll get through.
If not this pain can't ever end for me.
And so if the only place I can feel your arms around me
is in my dreams...
I guess I'll have to sleep forever.
Oct 6, 2004
I *stumble* and I *stall* ...and you watch me as I * f a L L *
Every step I take
Every time I burn
And each morning I wake.
and all because of you.
Every tear I shed
Every smile I fake
Every late night up
And each day my heart must ache.
It's all just because of you.
Oct 5, 2004
heee once wasss a truue looove of miiiiiiiiiiiiiine.. <3
since I've gotten through a day
without you on my mind.
I wish so badly that this
ice wall would melt.
Or that one of us would say
something, anything..
that would make it shatter.
Do you feel anything for me
during those momentary
eye-locks and smiles?
When I brush past you,
do you know who I am?
Do I ever cross your mind?
Chorale: Mr. Sardo told us the cutest story ever about KITTENS! then we sang. I <3 the song Scarborough Fair.. it got me through my race later on.. woohoo!
French: We learned all about FRANCE. wootayy
Social Studies: we had to read this thing that I thought we were supposed to read for h/w, so I just sat there awhile. then we learned about Ming China and shizzle... but I like actually paid attention this time. so yay!
Biology: winner of Most Boring Class Award. Luckily I've got my table to entertain me.. haha. Well in the beginning this guy Thomas talked to me for a while, and asked me about Delawareee. Then I played tic-tac-toe with Sophia! Nobody ever won.. until I told her a trick I knew. But I was really tricking her into losing.. lmao. hmm.. then we ate and Sophia broke her bag. lol. awwezie.
Bio Lab: We wrote all over this paper I had. That's it.. lol. Oh and Mr. Kaefer talked.
Lunch: best period of the fricken day. For reasons other than you may think. So anyway.. I hit my head into a stopsign! lol. go me. So anyway, me and Lauren talked a while, and Matt kept on leaving and walking back and forth on the sidewalk. So we kept leaving.. and walking from store to store. haha. I wonder if he realized we were passing him over and over... so yeah. Then we got hot chocolate!! I <3 that stuff. Then we walked back and got BUUURNED.
English: took a short-answer test on Catcher And The Rye. It was pretty easy.. I didn't finish though cuz at the last minute I realized we needed TWO secondary characters, so I had to make my 3rd paragraph like a page long. So I got through like 1 sentence of the 4th one. grr..
Math: booooooooringgg..
After School: cross country meet. our bus was late again. on the way there i listened to music. then when i got there i warmed up... in jeans with my cellphone clipped on and all.. wootayy. then i stretched... in my jeans. go stupid ppl! haha. so yeah then me and katherine were rolling on the grass.. lol. PLATYPIIII. <33 I love Katherine. lmao. Yeah so then we rannn. I improved my time by like 3 minutes.. woot woot. I was so happpyyy!! I felt really good too, I probably even could have done better, but my legs were cold, which makes them tighten up. Oh well.. my calves were tight so I didn't sprint out the last straight. My team didn't do as well as we have been.. but that's okay. We're SOOOOOOOOOOOOo much better than last year, it makes me so proud =D wee! Anyways, so then we cheered for the varsity girlies. They were running in the wrong lane so we had to yell at them to move over.. haha. Then I went with Amanda to meet her friend Abby.. who got 1st place in the varsity race.. wowie. Then on the bus ride home, Kara and I acted EXTREMELY hyper together... lmfao. Then we waited a while, and I sat between Katherine's legs. and we played handgames!!! Miss mary mack.. Miss Lucy.. Rockin' Robin <333.. what fun. Then Kara's dad drove us home, and we were locked out cuz my brother said the garage door wasn't open. So we waited in Fran's car, and I was like "Watch David, i bet the garage door WAS open and you just didn't do it right." and he yelled at me and I was like "I'm KIDDING!" Then when my mom got home.. we discovered I was right. Also, for weeks now I've been annoyed cuz you can't change the stations on the Radio in Fran's car.. and I FIXED it while we were in the car. I just rock. wowwww. Yeah, so now I got stuffles to do.. buh byee. xoxo
