Hi. It's like 2 AM and I have an xc meet at 10 in the morning but I can't sleep because I'm having an emotional breakdown. No one's online this late that I feel close enough to vent about my problems to, so I'm going to write about them here and at the end decide if it's worth publishing.

Okay... problem numbero uno... well first of all.. school sucks ass. I have so much fucking work and between that and cross country and juggling my social life in there too I'm really really pressed for time. Not only that but I find myself constantly torn between 2 crowds of people. I love all my friends but I always have to choose and I'm being torn apart. Second of all.... I hate my fucking family. I don't think I mentioned it to anybody, but the reason this weekend is gonna totally suck... is because it's this thing known as a yartzite(sp?...idk its hebrew) which is the 1-year anniversary of a person's death when they uncover the tombstone. And my family has come to the conclusion that the death of my grandpa has deeply saddened everybody but me... which means they are all taking it out on me. So this weekend, between xc, school, and actually going to the yartzite and thinking about my grandpa, which btw, affected me a great deal... i also have to put up with constant nagging and hearing about what an awful human being I am. Not only that but the only night I can go out is tomorrow, and I'm lucky I am.. unfortunately I was invited to 2 parties.. once again being torn between 2 crowds of people. wow, life sucks. And on top of all that... is the heartache. ouch. I go and I read all these old convos and I remember all these instances from last year and I get stuck in the past and trick my mind into thinking I'm still *his* friend. And I'm not. And wow it really sucks... I only see him at lunch and he's with some friend of his i don't know... and we didn't speak all summer and I hate how people act like it should be totally normal for me to just walk up and say "hey" cause it isn't. And then they'll be like "omg see he totally likes you" which is also no help... nobody knows how to help.. not even I do. Everyone who keeps telling me it's all okay and there's still a chance can stop lying to me. I have to learn not to kid myself. I have to learn to accept that we aren't friends anymore... that we don't even SPEAK anymore... the most is a smile when passing in the hallway and a small conversation here or there. Nothing's ever going to happen and nobody is helping me get used to the idea. No one can help me but me... and I'm not doing a great job. I just get lost between memories, fantasy, and reality and I can't get over him. I just can't. In a month it'll be a year. And to make it worse I just love how all my friends will just tell me all these great stories about him.... it's great to hear that he talks to like all my friends and they've all got classes with him and I DON'T. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy not? Why can't my life ever fucking work out the way I want it I mean WHY does life really have to be such a bitch? I'm just in so much pain and I can't take it anymore and I hate my family and I miss my grandparents and I hate people. I feel so fucking alone. It's like I never get what I want in life and nobody really understands it because I guess I cover it up pretty well. All I know is that I don't know how much longer I can take it.